DeviantRose

When I was younger, a good friend of mine was in a few open relationships. I can’t count the number of times we’d have the same conversation about whether it was good for her. Since then I don’t think I’d have changed my core opinion, but I can definitely say my reasoning has changed.

In my teens and twenties, my opinion on the whole subject was essentially that the only strong relationships were insulated relationships between two people. All emotional/physical needs had to be met within the relationship.  Everything from the simple casual flirting to a true open relationship could be the kiss of death for the relationship. There was no give in my stance about this. It wasn’t healthy for her to even entertain the idea of being in an open relationship because it meant it was a loveless relationship.

My opinion now? She wasn’t ready to understand the relationships she was getting herself into. Plain and simple. She didn’t trust herself or her partners fully. She wasn’t mature enough to handle the emotions that were sure to come from her lifestyle choices.

Limits? They’re defined by the relationship you’re in. They’re built on trust and comfort level. Who am I to judge other people?

How did I end up here? A few days ago, someone posted a link to a story talking about whether having an affair was ok or not. It would seem the premise was “life is short.. why not.”  While I appreciate the hedonistic stance the author took, I’m not sure I agree with the conclusion. There is no harm in flirting or having fun. Define fun however you’d like. The rule? Everyone in the relationship is fully committed to the choice and the rules.  If whatever you’re doing is defined in your own head as cheating or an affair, you’re doing it wrong.  If a couple decides they want to bring someone in or individually go out and have fun, that’s their choice. if it’s in the open, it’s not cheating. If it makes them happy and is sustainable, it’s not cheating or harmful.  There’s a vast ocean of difference between the two.

Maybe one day down the line I’ll post a blog about how life changed a few years back for me.. but it doesn’t fit with the above so much..  There’s a story between paragraph 2 and 3 up there.

I’m no expert in relationships.  I’ve been in a few.  Some have been good, and some have been horrible.  Ultimately up until my current marriage, there has been something majorly wrong with each one.  Red flags.  The hubby and I talk often of the different red flags we’ve seen in previous relationship.  I think that conversation has helped us keep our relationship open and fresh.

Rule 1:  Communication is key.
It sounds cliche, and it probably is a bit.  But its so true.  We talk constantly about just about everything. From the mundane to the serious to the silly.  But you know what?  He knows me better than anyone, and in a marriage/relationship that’s important.

If you don’t talk you can’t grow your relationship.  If you are afraid of talking because you want to avoid the fight, the fight is going to be much worse when the truth comes out.  Or you’ll end up resenting one another because you feel stifled/controlled or whatnot.  Trust me, I’ve been in enough relationships that I haven’t been able to say what I’m feeling to know this.

Rule 2:  Have some fun, flirt a little (or a lot)

Since when is flirting cheating?  Since when is it horrible for a guy (or girl) to look at another person, of the same or opposite sex, and comment on how pretty or handsome he/she is.  Since when is it cheating if you have some friendly banter back and forth on Twitter or Facebook.  Rule 2 goes back to Rule 1.  If you communicate you’ll know what your boundaries are and you’ll both respect them.

Rule 3:  Have exciting sex, explore.

Vanilla sex is cool.  I’ll never complain about the run-of-the mill sex.  Its good.  Its great a lot of the time.  But exploring my freaky side, being allowed to explore my freaky side, having a husband who ENJOYS my freaky side is a hell of a lot of fun.   Goes back to the communication (notice a theme here?)  If you TALK about what you like, would want to do, fantasies then you can explore them together.

Rule 4: Disregard the “experts”

So called experts will give you all sorts of relationship advice, especially when starting a new relationship.  ”Don’t talk about the past”, “Don’t talk about the future too soon”, “Don’t reveal too much too quickly”.  Fuck them.  Excuse my french.

The past makes up who you are currently.  The good, bad & ugly.  If you don’t talk about your past how is the person supposed to understand why you’re the way you are.  Trust shouldn’t be built on what you did in a relationship 10 years ago.  Trust should be built on your character and who you are now.   I’m of the opinion you lay it all out.  If you don’t like the package than leave me be.  No harm, no foul.  If you like me, all of my crazy stories and quirks included than great…we’ll move on.

My brain is tired and that’s what I can think of for now.  Those are the top rules.  There are more.  This isn’t the end

Over time.. this blog will be used to house all of the weird, wild and kinky thoughts that bluerose and I have. Something completely separated from real life and completely uninhibited. Enjoy your stay and thank you for coming along on our journey.